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Sunday, November 10; 01:23
Close your eyes
Do you ever feel so alone and ashamed of your life?
Through the looking glass of social media, your inner perspective of other people's life always look rosy and wonderful. When compared to yourself, everything you see is just dull and boring and depressing.
It's hard to remember besides the good things people keep talking about on their social accounts, there are the bad times too. The times where you struggle with your anxieties and helplessness. A fish out of the water.
The inaedequacy you see in yourself gets compared; your soul laid as bare as a new born baby. It's a cruel mechanism of survival. Of calculating and fitting in. It's hard. Terrible. And never gets anywhere.
Every time I start thinking this way, i feel horrible about myself - why don't i have that many friends to talk to? Am i being too awkward that I only have so few friends?
Than I have to think that those people who have lots of friends to talk to and enjoy a rich social life probably find it harder to maintain close relationships. They speak their minds too loud without sensitivity and may offend people. They get too clingy. Etc...etc
I should accept myself more. Learn to love what I have. Don't be angry at the world for what I perceive to lack. This is what I should do.
Wednesday, October 23; 00:27
i wrote this after having a stomachache
A combination of stress and a lack of sleep does no good at all.
My thoughts are now running wild and free but they are constrained within my mind. Thank god for Blogger. I doubt anyone I personally know will ever read this blog. I hope they won't.
One big issue I am having with myself (again) is my insecurity of not having enough friends. After joining this club at my school, my social circle opened up. However, I did not put in any effort to maintain a lot of friendships mainly due to the fact I am a very private person. You need to earn my trust before I become comfortable around you. Once you do, you will see this crazy side of me who swears and make dirty jokes half the time we are talking. If you know me well but don't see this side of me, I am just restraining myself because I fear you won't accept me. I have friends whom chemistry is something which naturally comes to us. But I don't think they know me very well because of the above stated reason. I agree to whatever they say about me because I am far too spaced-out to actually pay attention and/or harbouring a quiet discontentment against your judgements. Or maybe I am really grumpy and hate you because of a lack of sleep (e.g. Today).
Mysterious. Yes, that's right. That sums me up.
I wish I could be braver and stop thinking I am being awkward around people I don't know well. Two and a half years and I don't seem to have any contact with any other people except the clique I always hang out with. I refuse to go to any events without them. And that's horrible because I now feel like I know everyone but I am alone. They don't talk to me. And I avoid talking to them even though I really want to. I feel my sense of worth is slipping every time I see the people chatting among each other. I should be part of them! But I never do because I am too much of an introvert. Strange how much I advocate being confident is the best trait to have and yet I am this loser who can't even talk to strangers/acquaintances without tensing up.
Even if I moved away to some place where nobody knows me and started anew, I am pretty sure the same situation will happen once again. The problem is me. Not people.
Saturday, October 19; 02:39
It's been almost 20 hours since I woke. Nothing new. School is part of my life again, and I am slowly having to adjust to it.
The thing is, when your personal time gets shorter and shorter, you crave for things you don't normally think about. Your heart murmurs thoughts - the important ones. Questions you wish you had answers to.
Every conversation I have with everyone brings out conflicted discussions I cannot hope to solve. A loop making me go round and round in circles. Occasionally, you get distracted by work; by responsibilities; by pleasure. But I always go back to square one.
The loneliness is settling in my bones. A shame I am only regretting my past actions now. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have said that. Now what do i do? Brave on the charade of being confident even when I feel guilty about it? Don't be bothered about what everyone thinks and focus on what I think?
The same questions becomes stale. Like tea left out for the cold.